I WiSH NEWS

BERLIN – German Chancellor Angela Merkle’s party suffered a stinging defeat in elections Sunday as voters turned to fringe groups. Radical groups, namely the “Money Grows On Trees” (MGOT) won the majority of votes. MGOT leader Helmut Fairytale told IWN that his win proves voters won’t stand for austerity. “If you let 5 year olds vote on whether or not Mom can take their toys away, how many will vote yes? Zero. Democracy and austerity don’t go together, Ms Merkle. Duh!”

NASSAU, BAHAMAS – Former vice president Dick Cheney decided to celebrate his recent heart transplant by going on a spear fishing trip with his son in law in the Bahamas. But only minutes into their first dive, son in law Clint Bluberbuns felt a sharp pain in his buttocks. His father in law had accidently speared him with a 4 foot fishing spear. Said Cheney, ” I was hoping to get to know Clint better on this trip, not be a pain in the ass. But accidents do happen.”

An Ohio couple had filed a lawsuit against the national park system after their kids witnessed two bears having sex. Oscar and Wilma Welder, said the park system should make provisions for bears during mating session. In response, an attorney for the park system representing the bears said he will be filing a countersuit for invasion of privacy

A Teenager from Minnesota was facing the age old problem of finding a date to take to prom when suddenly he hit on a simple idea. Why not tweet a bunch of porn stars and see if anyone bites. Well, Mike Stone, an 18 year with a good list of porn star twitter addresses did just that.

@NikkiBenz hey Nikki if I get u a plane ticket would u like to come to my prom as my date
@FRANCESKAJ hey franceska would u like to come to my prom with me as my date on may 12 ?
@SandyCage hey sandy would u like to come to my prom with me as my date
@misstoriblack hey tori would u like to go to my prom with me as my date [Dude, you have to mix it up a bit: this is Twitter: everyone else can see these.]

Mike Stone’s plan seems to have worked. Well, Step one, anyway. Porn star Mega Piper wrote him back and said she would attend if he could get her there from California. Then, like many men before him, Mike considered the situation and replied, “I don’t have money for a plane ticket.”

Hey Mike, why so negative? I’m sure if you went over to Kickstarter and set up a request for funds, you would get that airplane ticket money in no time!